Hi This is a journal.. for a girl who will never get a chance to read it Never thought I'd be using blog again, especially after 6 years later??? HAHAHAHA Met her at 18, in Vietnam and Cambodia She was so beautiful Had ravishing long hair with curls at the end that was so feminine Wanted to stroke it lovingly so badly She had it cut short in the end, but it was still straight and silky How can someone be so alluring and and beautiful? hahahahaha.. damn she's so fucking awesome Confessed to her at her hotel room with a handwritten letter First time writing a letter and I was told it wasn't supposed to be so long HAHAHAHAHA oh wells What done has been done :) Exams at 10am tomorrow yet I am here writing, really yolo LOL whatever man, she's worth it I wonder... how much do I mean to her sometimes.. if i were worth as much to her as much as she is worth to me.. it would be a dream true But reality sinks in I guess.. she doesn't feel the same way? She's so cold sometimes and I'm not a guy who's very good with words.. communication problems I'm so frustrated but there's nothing i can do? it's my first time falling so deeply in love I hope she understands... Told my best friend about our conversations today Oh ya we aren't talking anymore because of examination period and I just did something stupid, asking for a kiss and hug from her I feel so fucking desperate Anyways, My best friend of 13 years told me to get prepared to lose her, because she clearly doesn't feel the same way about me But i'm not prepared for that? I look like I don't give a shit and seem pretty cool with her leaving me and cutting ties but I'm actually really afraid even though i'm a man How do I live on without her? I mean i can live, breathe and eat but it wouldn't be meaningful without her She's the first girl who made me feel this way, thinking about her EVERY SINGLE MOMENT of my fucking life She makes me feel like I could die for her Yet.. she feels like how I feel about her for other guys.. adam and J... hahahahaha reality I guess.. If only our feelings are mutual.. if only we could be together.. if only... so many if onlys but it'll never come true hahahaha Still remembered our first talk together She was wearing a cardigan with a white tank top and blue jeans with vans shoes Talked about so many random stuffs, from her friends and family problems to her tattoos and past. Had to lie to her that I was going to my aunt's house for dinner just to talk to her for an hour more LOL felt bad lying but there was no choice Luckily she had a blueberry waffle and she gave it to me after she didn't feel like eating it LOL She still complained about how her homecooked food sucked and luckily her mum would be buying food outside to add for dinner HAHAHAHA she's so cute omgggggggggg I'll write abit more I guess. maybe till 1.10am? need to get back to study soon, AFA exam tomorrow and I still havent gotten the hang of it hais The thing is I just wished we could talk like best friends who have known each other for a long time have the same interests gossip about people we hate just like best friends.. just that we are lovers HAHAHA but it'll be a dream I guess I shouldn't be this weak though. I'm a man. I need to be strong. I bet she doesn't like a man who cannot control his emotions and look weak. She's a scorpio after all hahahah So many things to say about her gotta think a little hahahaha.... Wow this is actually helping me release abit of my frustrations and restricted feelings hahahaa I'm actually not a guy who gets jealous easily I'm just envious How she treats her close guy friends like adam, J and H and so on... If she could treat me the same way, how great would that be I'm not a guy with a huge ego, just tease me or make fun of me or whatever, im totally fine LOL ewww I sound so disgusting When she talks about her emotions and real feelings on certain ocassions, i try to understand her as much as possible, but sometimes I just couldnt.. maybe because its too much to handle? But I will work hard and try to understand you, even if it takes the rest of my life She made me think of things in different ways now.. from her.. I learnt how stubborn I was and had to learn how to accept things when they don't go your way.. I learnt from her my face looks stress up all the time so now i try not to frown or sigh whenever possible.. respond not react hahaha She just posted a thai mv on twitter by the mosses. I always thought why does she like thai mvs you cant even understand the shit they are saying LOL but when i started listeining to them i know why, its so emotional and their songs are so nice, like even though is tai tai tai tai tai they are singing all the way, for some reason its great wow. Okay thats all for today I guess. Still wondering if I should post the poem for her with a hidden meassage "I miss you so much" on the first letter of each sentence on twitter. I dont want to add on to her problems yet I feel like if i dont post it, it seems like i do not care about her after so many days of not talking to her and I'm actually enjoying it.. but thats not true.. I'm thinking of her everyday, watching her snapchat videos with her baby.. I really miss her so much.
♥ - XiaoYu²